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A funny thing happened
(by Michael Dennehy - March 19, 2008)
The other day I had to go to a meeting at 11 a.m. I got ready and headed for the door. There was a meeting of women from the church going on in our living room. I tried quietly to pass through on the way to the front door, which opened into where they were sitting. I made it and reached to get my jacket on a hook. I put one sleeve on and reached for the other. For some reason I couldn’t get it and started that little frustrating pirouette trying to grab it. No luck! I turned ‘round wondering if it was inside out. As I did I found myself with an audience. The women were all smiling or stifling a laugh looking at me like I was a 5 year old. They started chuckling aloud. I should have bowed but instead could only manage a meek “goodbye”.
A couple of days later at church I was scheduled to do readings including a Psalm.
Kay reminded me to bring my glasses. “I don’t need no stinking glasses!” At home I read the psalm through just to be sure. At Church I picked up a large-print Bible-no sweat! At the appointed time I stood in front of the congregation and instructed them to read along with me the selected verses. I waited patiently as members tried to find the reading. I smiled as some flipped the pages back and forth. I would read a verse-they would read the next. I started and hadn’t finished before, almost as one, they said “No! Wrong verse!” Sure enough my eyes had focused on the wrong page. I hadn’t read the page number correctly-print too small. I smiled weakly and started over.
I’d like to say these were unusual instances or blame getting older-“senioritis”! But honestly I can trace flubs like this way back. One stands out in memory. I was in college and it was another morning getting ready for class washing, etc in the bathroom. I had finished shaving and took out the blade and laid it and holder on the sink. I brushed my hair, put on my shirt and took one last look. Picked up the hair brush to perfect the hair. I heard this strange noise and hair started to scatter. The blade had got caught in the bristles and nearly scalped me! Suddenly I had a very wide part front to back on one side of my head. I was very fortunate (although I didn’t think so at the moment). The hair was gone and I had not cut myself. Suddenly I looked 40 years older on one side of my head. All I could think of was to brush my hair to cover my elongated bald spot. Like that I created the first “comb-over! Well maybe not.
Some reports state 70% of home accidents occur in the bathroom. That’s certainly true in my case. Fortunately none of them have been serious. I don’t know how many times I’ve
bumped my elbows on the corners, cabinet doorways or sink in the bathroom. Sometimes I think
“I may not have big biceps but I make up for it in elbows”. Also first thing in the morning brain and body take a while to get in “sink”. I don’t know how many times reaching for something on the top of one of those narrow cabinets has let loose 4 or five bottles: shampoo, hair spray, aspirin, etc. No injuries occur but first thing in the morning it is ear-shattering especially when followed by a string of unprintable exhortations. The loudest thing I think is one of those heavy hairbrushes or bar of soap bouncing off the tub onto the tile floor.
One morning I started to brush my teeth and the paste tasted funny. I looked down
and lying next to the sweet tasting toothpaste was a tube of cortaid-not too tasty-believe me. I quickly looked at the label hoping there was no warning “Danger-Do Not Swallow” trying to remember is it 119 or 911? Another time, after washing my hair in the shower I stood at the mirror ready to comb my hair. I pumped out some hair gel which immediately soaped up on my head. I looked down it was one of those liquid soap dispensers that you find everywhere these days. Whatever happened to those old-fashioned bars of soap that slipped out of your hand, noisily bounced off tile floor just out of reach of the tub. Lastly there was the time I was congested and promptly sprayed Visine into each nostril-I could ‘sneeze’ clearly now!
Here’s two other embarrassing/humorous faux pas that come to mind. I was working at the computer one day and my lips started to bother me. It’s the first time in a long while I’ve suffered from chapped lips. So I keep one of those chapstick thingys nearby. Sure enough my lips started to distract me. I reached over and applied the stick. It tasted like it had turned bad. I picked it up and looked at it “Glue-Stick”! Yikes! Before my lips were sealed forever I washed off the glue and chuckled thinking about kissing my wife with a kiss that would last forever. I go to a lot of meetings so the following error I might be excused for. Someone will come up to me and say “Hey Mike! How ya doin’? Long time!” I’ll respond “Hey Fred you’re looking great how’s the family? Those kids settled in college yet?” The conversation goes on briefly and He says: “Mike I gotta run good to see you..and Mike it’s Jack-not Fred.” (Duh!).
I had a thought the other day “I’m one of the funniest guys I know-unintentionally funny-but funny still.” Used to upset me a lot when I made a fool of myself. I really didn’t get a handle on it until I came to grips with my alcoholism. I remember the first time I went to a party after I stopped drinking. It had been 6 months maybe since I stopped. I walked in the bar restaurant where we had our going away parties for agents being transferred. A friend Lou who I drank with greeted me with “Hey Dennehy! I hear you stopped drinking. Heck! That was the only the only freaking thing you had going for you!”(some words changed to make them GP). I laughed harder than I could ever remember. I knew I was free of the booze and free to laugh at myself.
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